Sunday, May 1, 2011

Accidentally Forever...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my friend, who, after much, and I mean MUCH looking just bought what she lovingly and with pride calls her "forever house".  I've been thinking about how sometimes we do things with intent-We say-I am choosing this person and I want to be with him forever or I want to move to this place and live here for the rest of my life or I choose this as my career and I want to do it for the rest of my life.  Some people are great about thinking things through and planning their next steps and some people, like me, seem more prone to leaping and then spending years afterwards doing the looking and the learning to live with the consequences of our decisions.

When I was younger I moved all over the country at the drop of a hat without really thinking through why I was doing the moving or what it would be like if the place I moved to turned out to be my "forever place".  Ditto with relationships.  I just wanted to be happy and thought that happiness was bound to exist in the next new place or the next new person.  But, as I learned when none of the new places or new people produced the hoped for happiness, wherever I go, there I am.  Obviously, and I wish I could have told my younger self this, it was me who wasn't happy and all of the moving was just my attempt to avoid having to deal with the things inside that were making me unhappy.  What better way to avoid dealing with your problems than to throw yourself into the excitement and upheaval of a move or a new relationship every few years??

But then, somehow, 8 years ago, the last of my attempted "moves to happiness" led me here to Colorado, and, and I have no idea how this happened, I stumbled upon this amazing man who was nothing like any man who I had ever been attracted to before (translate as--he is nice and lovely and treats me so well that it's a wonder to me every single day and all of the others were emotionally unavailable and treated me, well, not so nicely) and I, without really thinking through what it really meant to do this, married him and it has not been all sunshine and roses, but almost 5 years later we are still married and we love each other and our relationship has taught me that you don't run away to something or someone new when the going gets tough, you stay and you fight and you work through what's wrong and are made all the better for it.

Wouldn't you know that this lovely, nice man, whose arms I leapt into 7 years ago, happened to be living in this lovely, nice little town in Western Colorado, where I agreed to move on the spur of the moment, having known him for 2 weeks and having visited the town only once on what can only be described as a whirlwind visit that included more time touring his bedroom than touring the town. After many fits and starts and threats to move away to "happier" places I have grown to love this town and this part of Colorado and it looks like this just might be my accidentally forever place where I will live with my accidentally forever man in our accidentally forever house.

Of course, its not that I am now perfectly happy or that he is perfect or that we are perfect together or even that this place is perfect, it's that I learned that sometimes accidents happen for a reason and for me the reason was to teach me to do the hard work of growing rather than running away from myself and my problems all of the time.


Meredith said...

We need to have margaritas once this baby is delivered! You and I have a lot in common in the whirlwind romance and move to Colorado department.

Krista said...

We can have virgin margaritas before the baby is born! Thanks for becoming a follower. xo

Carolyn said...

From Dorothy in The Wizard of OZ: "...if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?"

I love it Krista! I looked for your old blog a few times and saw nothing new- I'm so glad you're writing again! ANd I love the way you write. You're awesome!!!!

Heather Smith said...

As always, your stories are lovely and thought-provoking. I miss you, my dear friend.